I could have 6-pack abs if I wanted.

I know how to get them. I don’t have them because I am more thoughtful than that. I care about my family, and I respect my wife. It is really a matter of convenience to those around me and a safety issue on top of that. Being the altruistic person that I am, I have foregone the option to have rock-hard, raging abdominal muscles in exchange for the well-being and happiness of those around me.

I carry a lot of keys on my keychain. On my keychain, I have a couple of “key fobs”. Yesterday, I accidentally pressed the panic button on my key fob, and the alarm started to sound. Amanda said, “It’s a wonder with all of those keys that you don’t set off the alarm more often.” I explained to her that the reason I keep my body so cakey, soft, and pillow-like is because I don’t want to be always setting off the car alarm. Solid abs are rigid and set off car alarms; Dad-bods are more fluffy, they protect the buttons from being pressed.

There are so many selfless aspects that go along with being willing to exchange being chiselled for being safe and courteous:

  1. When I eat Cheetos on the couch, the crumbs get caught right in my “tut”- the point where my tits rest on my gut. If you have abs, the crumbs just roll right off and wind up making a mess on the couch. Rude.
  2.  Having a navel that allows you to hold a can of soup in it large enough to be served with a ladle is essential if you are ever stranded and need to catch rainwater for survival. A man with six-pack abs will not be equipped to catch water nor serve soup from his belly-button. Remember that.
  3. In terms of marital longevity, it is a proven statistic that 90% of marriages which end in divorce, do so because of issues with finding the remote control. When you have a belly, it serves the function which God intended, that is to hold the remote control- keeping it visible for all parties to see at all times. If you have a hard stomach, there is no neutral, visible resting place for the channel switcher. Think about that the next time you wanna do some crunches. Think about the children for Pete’s sake.

You are free to do what you want. There is no law that requires you to always think of your family, their safety, and their convenience. However, I shudder to think about all of the love that has dissolved and all of the children who have felt abandoned because of a man’s selfish decision to choose the easy way out and develop iron-clad abs instead of the safety and comfort that comes from a soft round love pillow.

Every angle has an argument.

Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,