I was gonna call, but I wanted to wait until you had cancer. I have been so tied-down with my iphone and social media, that I have simply been unable to form or build any relationships. I’m so busy, that I haven’t had time to allow anyone new to come into my life. I have reached my life’s quota of people that I need, or might need me. I just felt like I would be using my time more efficiently if I waited for a tragedy, before I really took the time to show you that I care. You know, I would be the first person there, when you get into a life threatening car accident, right? I mean, did you really need to hear me say that I love you? Do I really possess the words of encouragement that would make your daily life better? I mean let’s be realistic, cancer or a car wreck will give us the opportunity to draw closer, eventually.

I sent you a text. I emailed you a funny meme. I tagged you in a post about a dude lighting a fart on fire and burning the seat of his pants. I told your sisters friend, Larry, that I asked about you. I knew that you had been busy with kids and your new job. I wanted to wait until after the holidays. Things have been crazy around the house. You wouldn’t believe how busy I am at the office.

This is me. I frigging hate this about myself. This is what the majority of my relationships look like. I don’t feel as if I am alone either.

I was speaking to my friend, Von, about the documentary, “The Resurrection of Jake The Snake” (It’s a MUST SEE! No need to be a wrestling fan). Von and I were talking about how unfortunate it is that there are people who have almost no one to turn to. There are people who have burned so many bridges, or just live in such an environment, that they have virtually no other human-being, which they can turn to for comfort or compassion. The reality of the loneliness and emptiness that some people endure is absolutely gut-wrenching.

The reality of so many others’ isolation was saddening, but equally as saddening is how I treat many of my relationships. While it is true, having no relationships to nurture is very sad….having solid relationships and choosing not to nurture them is a tragedy. I am not really sure what is worse. Having people to turn to when things get bad is truly a blessing, but selfishly waiting until things get bad to turn to these people is NOT a good habit of mine. Using my friends as if they are an “ace-in-the-hole”, to be pulled out when the chips are down, is not how I was taught to build friendships.

I am really not sure exactly how I plan to go about revitalizing my approach to building my relationships, but I do know that it will start by picking up the telephone. I have recently seen how important it is to hear someone’s voice as opposed to read someone’s texts. I want to do a better job of communicating with spoken words and make the time for the more intimate communication. The facetime, the phone calls, the coffee, and dinners…the long walks, the workouts, the long and slow runs in the morning- these are what I need to focus on more, and spend less time texting and messaging while pretending that is nurturing.

At the end of the day, I want to do better. However, the fact that I have been blessed with relationships and people willing to build them with me, is far from something I want to take for granted. I feel grateful to have the opportunity to do a poor job of communicating, than to have no one willing to communicate at all.

Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,

Beefcake

My name is Wilson Horrell, aka “Beefcake”.  I am a total fat guy. At heart, I am a drunken, cigarette-loving, junkie, and addict of all things unhealthy. I reached rock-bottom back in the Summer of 2011 and decided to get clean. With sobriety came a great deal of changes in my day-to-day life. I am a big, lazy animal who somehow got mixed up in CrossFit, started hanging with the crowd at LHRL, and watched my life and daily habits change. I started blogging as a way to journal my fitness, and it has turned out to be very therapeutic. I have found that my life is enhanced by community, and I am at my happiest when I am interacting with other people. I have a beautiful and incredibly intelligent wife, Amanda, as well as two wonderfully gifted children, Grayson and Andie Kate. I have no education or experience as a writer, and almost no knowledge of grammar. I just enjoy spitting it out on paper as it goes through my brain. I hope you enjoy reading, and feel free to reach out or comment at anytime!

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