Confusion is the chaos that ensues when my ego is attempting to fight its way out of a tough spot.
My biggest fear is that people will think I am stupid and I will be exiled to Stupid Island to die with all of the other stupid people. I will do anything to not look like a fool even if it means trying so hard that I look like a fool.
When a situation occurs and I don’t know how to handle it, I immediately begin scrounging for an answer. I try to jam the puzzle pieces together so tight that I am left with a big lumpy mess. Oftentimes, I will want so desperately to have the answer that I will grab pieces from other puzzles to try to make the solution fit. And yes, this simply causes more confusion and a bigger mess.
Confusion is my anxiety multiplied by my insecurity, compounded.
My mom handles confusing situations well. She does not mind the awkward pause and has a thing that she does where she places the top of her index finger against the tip of her nose, almost as if she is calling for a universal timeout. She takes a moment, gazes intently, takes a breath, allows things to process and then makes a decision. I, on the other hand, have already pressed the panic button, set myself on fire, and started headed for the roof and prepared to jump off.
I think that giving pause and allowing things to process for the sake of perspective and serenity would probably be a good practice for me. Allowing myself to not have an immediate answer for every situation would be a nice present to myself.
Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,