Day 12: 243.8lbs
Exercise: Run/walk (mostly walked) 4 miles.
Nutrition: Pretty tight. B+ maybe A-. Straight D student, so that’s pretty good.
Attitude: All shiny and bright…and a little tired but whatever with the complaining.

I can best describe the feeling as “empty”, maybe?

I don’t really know what it is. I feel really, really kinda hungry but maybe not. I think that “want” feels a lot like “hunger” to me. I believe this on a lot of levels in a lot of areas.

I can remember having this conversation with my mom a few hundred times:

Me: “Mom, I am sooooo bored. I think I am going to die.”

Mom: “Well, clean your room, or read a book.”

Me: “No, not like that. I mean I want to do something fun.”

That is how I feel about carbs. I am so hungry but if you offer me a carrot I will say something hurtful. I don’t think it is hunger that I am feeling, I really think it is addiction…or habit…or something. I dunno, I just know it hurts my soul.

The feeling is real. The emptiness is not exaggerated. I don’t know if I want the sugar or the flour or whatever chemicals they put in processed foods or what- I just know that there is a carb-shaped hole in my stomach that needs to be filled. Historically, if I can power through this feeling for five or six days, it will go away but often my whole appetite will go with it and then my food choices are less fattening but equally less unhealthy and lacking in nutritional value. If I can get away with not eating then I will because its so rare that I can…then I just carry a feeling of weakness and nausea with the constant thought of “not eating”. It’s a double-edged sword that cuts any way that you swing it.

I wish that there was a way to determine how much of my “hunger” is based around food-addiction and if so, what specifically is the source. I wish that there was an app that would distinguish between hunger and want. That being said, if there was, I wouldn’t download it and I would wish for something else. If I really wanted to address my problem, I would put more work into it, the way that so many others do successfully.

Anyways, we will get it figured out. Little by little, craving by craving, loss by loss, victory by victory.

Have a great weekend.

Peace, love and all things Beef related,

Beefcake