A double-guarter-pounder with cheese, biggie size fry, one spicy McChicken with cheese, one double cheeseburger, and a biggie Hi-C Orange drink. That was my go-to fast food order.

I love fast food. I love all things rich in sodium and high in fat. If a mom, doctor, priest, or lawyer says that I shouldn’t, I feel like I should. Yet, for some reason, I convince myself that I am the only person who feels this way. I have this inner-dialogue that I use to make me believe that I am the only one who likes to eat ice cream, enjoy too much pizza, smoke cigarettes, drink too much booze, and pop pills that help me relax.

I have heard my condition referred to as “Terminal Uniqueness”. It is an illness in which one believes that he suffers differently than the average person, therefore, no one understands, there is no cure, and hence no use in trying to change. It’s self-defeating, self-sabotaging, and, if left untreated, can be fatal.

I like to believe that everything negative in my life is a result of some sort of misfortune or unfair situation which has left me cursed. Never do I want to believe that my entire existence is a result of my actions…unless it is the good things, in which case, I am the result of all of my hard work and good decisions.

I am exactly what I am because of exactly what I have done. I am all of the fast food, hard work, skipped classes, hours spent in the gym, days spent on the couch, tubs of ice cream, Whole30 diets, 12-step meetings, nights spent in a blackout, time spent playing with the kids, movies watched on Netflix, and races run on the trail. There is no mystery to how I got to be in the position I am in, good and bad.

I can scratch my head, count my macros, seek the advice of therapist, and go in search of professionals to try and get me from one place to another, but at the end of the day, as a man in his forties it all comes down to fast food and broccoli; time spent working versus hours wasted avoiding it; time spent with family versus time in the bottle.

Where I am will always be a result of what I have done and what I am doing.

No excuses.

Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,

Beefcake

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