Praise Jesus, or whatever you praise, or don’t. I couldn’t make it another second. I could not handle another cloudy day or drop of rain in the Memphis area. I have spent the last week of my life essentially being a bad person. Not the worst person in the world, but I can be much better. I have complained FAR more than usual and it has taken very little to make me angry. My thoughts have been negative, and in a lot of ways just plain mean. I have even found myself looking for things to make me angry. I am familiar with the whole “whoa is me” attitude, and I had it this week. The house is still in disarray from the floors, both of the children were home from school sick, and the rain seemed like it was never going to end. My sugar induced hangover was still in full effect, and it just felt like I was going to be stuck in a rut forever. With the kids being ill, I was not able to get to the gym. Truth be told, I didn’t really want to go anyway. I wanted to lay on the couch, complain about the rain, and yell at my kids for not taking their medicine the way that I think that they should. My 9 year old boy was having about the worst day of his life, and the fact that I was powerless over the situation only drove me to anger. I was frustrated that I could not make him feel better. He sounded like he was on death’s doorstep, which is consistent with being a son of mine (when I am sick, I need the entire world to know it). He was moaning as if he was giving birth to a Volkswagon. I didn’t want to write, but I felt like I should. I didn’t want to work, but was anxious that the rain was keeping me from it. I didn’t want to exercise, but I focused on the fact that I was stuck at home. I didn’t want to eat healthy, but I felt so incredibly bad that I didn’t want to eat bad either. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to. I felt like I had no real purpose, and that there would never be any real meaning in my life, ever again. This all happened within about a 72 hour period. In 3 days I was able to go from the world’s most fortunate individual, to a bum with no zest for anything that life has to offer. I tell Amanda that I am manic depressive and she just laughs at me. I guess it is laughable, because I am usually incredibly happy, but when I am not 100%, I am 0% and I HATE that feeling. I think I suffer from being childish more than I do depression, but I most certainly have been depressed in my life, and there ain’t NOTHING pretty about depression. I think the easiest thing to tell a depressed person is to “stop being depressed”, but that just doesn’t cut it. It sucks. My bouts of depression these days are more like days when I don’t feel like bouncing off walls and hugging random strangers. Whatever you wanna call it, I HATE not feeling great, and I LOVE feeling wonderful. Whatever I have to do to achieve a good, healthy high, I am willing to do it. Even if it is at the risk of failure, discomfort, or public humiliation I will do whatever it takes in order for me to attain the feeling that I feel most mornings. I wake up on most days, and within 3-4 minutes of opening my eyes, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the life that I have. When I don’t wake up with this feeling, I sense that I am screwing myself out of my God given right to enjoy as much sh*t as possible between now and the time I go tits up and 6′ under.
Sunday I woke up and Amanda had left to run the Germantown half-marathon. The kids were feeling much better, but still not 100%. We figured that we would have another day of rest, and just kinda lay around. There was a challenge posted on the LHRL Facebook page to row 10,000meters and post the time on Instagram or facebook. I figured that I would give that a try, and maybe a good sweat would get my happy juices flowing. The row fu*king sucked. I hated it. I would have definitely quit if I would not have told my kids the distance that I had committed, coupled with the fact that Amanda was out running more than twice what I was rowing. I got more of a sweat than I bargained for, but it helped somewhat, or maybe not, but kinda. I don’t know, but it CERTAINLY didn’t hurt. Monday appeared and it was time to go to work, but my properties were just a bit too soggy. I was really frustrated that I could not do the work that I wanted to get done, when I wanted to get it done, on my terms (there’s that childishness again). I would have to wait another day before Pedro and I could really accomplish very much. Amanda and I went to our Monday night ASL sign language class, which has morphed into a date night as well, because we go to dinner afterwards. I told Amanda on the way to class that I was DONE bitchin. I was going to be happy again. I did not like the person I was, and I was going to blow off the past week of “ho-hum’s”. We both agreed that we were happy that the rain and sick children had passed. We had an awesome sign language class, as usual, and a wonderful dinner.
4am and my alarm goes off for CrossFit. Dragging a little, but determined to keep a good attitude. I would have liked to have gone back to sleep, but I had already committed to Chris Perry that I would meet him at class. To commit to someone to be somewhere at 5am and then “no-show” is a sin. I went through the motions at class. Actually, I did more than that. I worked pretty hard. I got home, took a shower, and walked outside to the work truck. WOW! God is good. Holy Sh*t, it’s a beautiful day. Just like hitting a screen full of items on a computer screen and hitting the delete button, all of my worries just disappeared. Life was back in full swing, and gosh damn I was glad to be a part of it. Spring is my favorite time of the year, and it seemingly has sprung overnight. The anxiety of the future has turned upside down into excitement. The dread of what I “have” to get done, has turned into anticipation of the things that I am “afforded the opportunity” to do. Any job that allows me to soak in some sunshine while not being cooped up in an office, suits me just fine. Suddenly I went from not really wanting to do anything, to becoming excited about upcoming 5k’s, 10k’s, sprint tri’s, and fun workouts at the gym. There is nothing like being active in the spring and summer. Even if it’s shanking golf balls, laying by the pool, tossing the football, or hitting softballs in a field, I love being outside. I have not ever been as excited about good weather as much as I am this year. I want to stay as active as possible and stay as focused on the positives as I can. I don’t have any real goals other than to just try as many things as I can. The Pinckley’s have a basketball court, so hopefully we can gather roughly the same group of fat, stiff, has-beens together for second annual All-Grody game, or maybe I will try my hand at tennis (wouldn’t that be a sight), or muster up a group to play volleyball. Either way, I wanna try a bunch of dumb sh*t with a bunch of people who like to dumb sh*t for no other reason than to burn off some energy, spend time with one another, and enjoy some laughs. I hope that people will post on the LHRL Page or Instagram what they have going on and try to get as many people together as possible to get out and have some fun. I’m not even gonna bother telling you to have a good day, because I am pretty sure that is already taken care of. Enjoy the sunshine!
Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,
Beefcake