What a week. It has been busy for sure. Lots of ups and downs, but from what I understand, that is all part of the gig. Strikes and gutters, wins and losses, peaks and valleys, but all-in-all it was a really, really, really, good week. As I write this, it is Friday mid-morning and the weekend is coming upon us. Amanda is off this weekend, so this adds some extra enthusiasm. We do not have the kids, which is bittersweet, but will probably make for a more productive weekend. The flooring people are FINALLY out of the house. Our house is a complete disaster, as everything is pushed into piles and covered in a layer of dust from the recent construction. What Amanda and I have is a weekend work party planned, and this is EXACTLY what I want to be doing. I want to have the entire weekend to get our house back in order. I am primarily excited because Amanda is capable of achieving order, which is something that is unfamiliar to me. I could have a month to get the house back in order and it would not make any difference. I am just incapable of achieving any systematical order unless I receive outside help. Amanda’s brain works like a calm ocean. It is smooth and consistent, and might gently crest at a new thought or good idea, but will ride itself back down, and eventually flatten out into a tranquil sea. My brain is constantly trying to connect to America Online on a dial up connection. Ping pang erck fizzz fuzz wadonk wadonk bleeeeeerp dang dang point blip doink. I go through each day with an endless amount of thoughts that are revisited and forgotten a dozen times within a trip to the restroom. So what does this have to do with my being excited about working all weekend? Well, I’m not sure because I forgot what the hell I was writing about. Oh yeah, I remember… organization!
So here is the deal. We have a house that is essentially one giant heap of belongings, which has been soaked in a dust, while raining carpet threads. I have NO idea how to begin to tackle the job, but I am ready and willing to work my ass off. I am not a good worker, but I am a hard worker. I would rather be lazy than work hard, but if there is work to be done, I do not dally. So, with all the chaos and confusion that comes with organizing the house, I find peace in the fact that Amanda knows what needs to be done, it is just a matter of doing. Really, all I have to do is put in the work, keep moving forward, and take direction from Amanda and the end result is going to be….organization, stability, peace, and serenity. Our house will be put back together and we can enjoy a more systematic home with her having the knowledge of where everything is placed. I don’t know about you, but I hear a lot about God working this way. I am NOT comparing Amanda to God, but I am using this as an analogy to what I have been told about him or it. See, what I have in front of me is chaos, confusion, disarray, and a task that is much too large for me to complete on my own. I simply do not possess the skills necessary to organize something of this magnitude. The only way for me to go about handling this is to put my faith in Amanda, and keep moving forward, one step at a time. I don’t need to do anything special. There is no magic wand which needs to be waved. There is no exhibition which needs to be performed. I simply need to show up, be willing to accept guidance, and be ready to work. I cannot predict the future, but I would imagine that by the time that you are reading this, Amanda and I will have our house, at least somewhat, in working order and I will have the feeling of satisfaction in knowing that life is a bit more arranged and organized. Things will be washed clean, and there will be a newness to all things in the home, including Amanda and I. There will be a greater appreciation of all that we have, and all that we work for. There will be a renewed sense of gratitude in having a life of peace and serenity. As I said, I am not sure that this will be the case, but I can imagine that it will be.
This is similar to the way that I feel every day of my life. I wake up with an absolutely trashed house going on inside my brain. There is more work than I can ever get done on my own, and even if i could get it done, I wouldn’t know how to do it properly. I just don’t have the skill-set necessary to organize and create the life that I want and need. I can work double time, and with fury and fervor, and still not get anywhere. The phone rings every time I start making progress, and with each step forward, there are two steps back and an additional problem to attend. However, there is an easier option, and this option is called faith. Faith is knowing damn well that it is too much for me to handle. Faith is having the knowledge that I don’t have a prayer at cleaning up my life on my own. Faith is knowing that I don’t have to, but that I just have to be willing to put in the work. Faith is knowing that my job is to be happy and content, and that happiness and contentment require a degree of responsibility and compassion. Faith is putting trust in something, and not knowing what that something is (if you believe to know too much about what that something is, you probably put a lot of faith in LSD at some point in your life). When I accept the fact that I am incapable of managing this life, only then can my life be somewhat manageable. Faith requires much less work on my part, and my life is more pleasurable. I hope to keep this in mind as I struggle, doubt, and believe that I am not going anywhere and will amount to nothing. I have to have faith that I am something and that what I am doing, I am doing for some purpose, and that it is and will continue to pay off in some area, even if it is not the areas that I believe need to be paid. It is going to be a great week, a fun week, a week of all sorts of failures and triumphs. It is going to be a week where I put in the work and don’t question the results, but just keep working and having faith in the future, while taking pleasure in the now.
Peace, Love, and all things Beef related