You see that spot on my shirt?
That is a salsa stain that was acquired at about 6am on Monday. It’s a rona stain. It’s there to remind me of the struggle. The rona stain is comparable to prison inmates marking the days on the wall, except time is measured in various food stains and the weeks are calculated by pajama bottoms. I am averaging about 8 rona stains per day (in-between snacks). Mustard stains are the tear drop tattoo of the rona era, letting them know that you took full advantage of the time on the couch and the oversize box of corn dogs that you bought when you were supposed to get toilet paper and canned goods.
This Covid virus has given me the time to make a lot of changes in my life….
but I have not made any.
I have enjoyed being made to stay at home. I like being at home. I like having nothing to do. I don’t like people being sick and dying, so before stating the fact that I have enjoyed my time during the pandemic somehow turns me into a racist, homophobic, pro-abortionist, anti-semitic, supporter of mass shootings who hates children and hurts puppies, let me clarify- I like not having a lot of obligations. I don’t like people being sick.
I like sitting on my ass and working on my computer. I like sending and receiving hundreds of daily memes with my friends Allen and Lisa that are all either self-deprecating fat jokes, funny twitter threads, or anything involving Tiger King. (Sandra Baskin most definitely killed her husband… and Wendy Byrde’s days are numbered.) I like eating from my personalized engraved peanut butter spoon made entirely from 24 carrot gold and stolen from the prince of Persia then given to me by my friend Holly. (I don’t know if Persia has a prince….In fact, I am not 100% sure that there is a place called Persia but I do have a kickass peanut butter spoon.)
I don’t enjoy getting my ass beat by my thirteen-year-old in Madden and I swear to God if he throws another fucking half-back screen, the rona virus will feel like a pinprick compared to the pain and discomfort I will inflict on him.
I liked being at home before all of this Covid-19 hysteria, I have liked it up to this point, and I believe I will like it going forward. What I don’t like, however, is the realization that I have told myself all of the excuses about what I would do differently if I had more time in my life. Now that I have the time, I don’t do any of those things.
How many times have I said:
“If I had more time, I would workout, meal prep, get fit and get my shit together.”
News flash: I haven’t.
“I wish I had more time to spend outside. I’d walk more. I’d do more outside activities with the kids.”
Geuss what: I haven’t. Pretty much stayed inside and been throttled in Madden and embarrassed myself on Fortnite (which apparently is uncool now?! Kids don’t know dick.)
“I need time to maintain equipment and go through the finances of the business and really tighten things up.”
Reality: I watched Tiger King in a day and a half, Ozark 3 in a couple of days and we are blowing through Schitt’s Creek like it is a 2 part mini-series.
Anyways, I tell myself that I would be different, do different, perform differently if situations were different and the truth is that nothing has changed.
All of the people who were unhappy before are still unhappy….they just happen to be unhappy and concentrated on the same thing.
The worriers are still equally worried.
The people that complained about a lack of time and how much time they spent at work are now complaining about their current situation with the time which they so desperately pleaded.
Those that have always been cool-headed and action-oriented are being cool and active while focusing that on the greater good.
The people who seemed consistently joyful and appreciative of the world they live in seem to be rightfully concerned but their demeanor is the same.
Complainers complain. Worriers worry. Activists activate. Grateful grattitate…and of course, haters, they gawn hate. (I’m sorry for the last part. It just kinda came out. And yes, I had to go with the hater bit.)
I was trying to be profound but I lost interest and became hungry.
Y’all have a good day.