I don’t really feel like writing today. I want to warn you, it’s probably gonna be a stupid post that is not worth your time. I’m also going to run tonight, but my times won’t be very good because my legs are tired. I might even cook dinner, but the store was out of the cheese I like, so it probably won’t be as good. I cleaned the bathroom, but I had to get to work, so it’s probably not the best job in the world. I painted the wall, but if you look right there, you can see where I couldn’t reach that spot because of the carpet. It probably won’t because…It might not be because…It’s not my best because…You won’t like it because… You can see where…
Last week, a friend of mine brought this to my attention. Everything in the preceding paragraph is my lead-in or my tail off to most all things which I am presenting. It is a defense mechanism. My friend asked me, “why must you follow every positive statement by injecting something negative into the end?”. I honestly was taken back. What? Did he really feel this way? The answer was YES. He felt this way, because I act this way. I explained to him that I usually followed something that I was excited about with a negative comment because I felt if I said something critical, it would minimize the possibilities of someone else saying something critical, which would hurt my feelings or piss me off. He made it clear, “I know exactly why you do it…now stop doing it”.
Wow. Who wants to know be around someone like that? Nobody likes a Negative Nancy. I would say that I had NO IDEA how often I did this…except for I do. I know exactly how often I do it. Every time I say something praiseworthy, I make sure I throw out a safety net of negativity, which I feel will some way reduce the chances of your saying something to hurt my feelings. It’s crazy, I know, but I do it. I always have. I rely greatly on other people for praise and acceptance. I am guilty of fishing for compliments, and expecting people to react certain ways to different things that I do. It’s a terrible thing, relying on others to determine your worth. Often times, I will share with someone a certain event in my life, and when I don’t get the desired response, I either become sad or angry. Sad with myself, or angry at the other person. I guess it is really the same means to an end, I either hate myself or I hate others. Either way, hate is involved.
I want to be more aware of this negative trait, and see if I can catch myself in the act. I think it would probably not only help my self-esteem, but also help the people around me to feel more comfortable. Oddly enough, when I hear other people do this exact same thing, I usually roll my eyes, because I know why they are doing it, and it borders on pathetic. I don’t want to be the guy that gets the internal eye roll, every time they share something potentially positive. I don’t want to deliver a left handed job of good news, only to follow it up with an uppercut of self-pity and negativity. I’m going to work on this. I enjoy having a project and some direction. I like having something to do. This will be my thing for today. Positivity shall be my ball of yarn. Have a good day. Don’t allow yourself to speak poorly of yourself. Be deliberate with your words, and conscious of how you make other people feel.
Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,