Before I get into this particular blog post, I would like to throw out a few pre-cautionary statements. First and foremost, this particular post, I would imagine, will be a complete waste of your time, which you will never get back. It is primarily b*tching and moaning. I don’t have any particular point to make, or reason for writing. I simply feel that my brain is out of RAM, my mental hard drive is infected, and my disk needs defragmenting. I am sorta performing an anti-virus on my melon. Also, I have no expectations of there being any semblance of continuity to this post. I simply need to vomit out where I am to date . I have been feeling pretty frustrated and I am hoping to generate a little perspective, which is what this blog is all about. The good news is that I recently read an article about the health effects of skinny jeans, so the chances of this being the biggest waste of time in history are slim (did you get that?) to none.
I do not believe that there is a psychological disorder that I do not, at least, KINDA, suffer from. Alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, OCD, ADD, anger management, co-dependency, anti-social tendancies, bi-polar swings, maybe schitzophrenia, homicidal/suicidal ideation, a sincere and honest believe in the sasquatch, sociopathic behavior, and the list goes on and on. I guess what I am trying to say is that, I am not to the point of licking windows, or rubbing my own poop in my hair, but I understand it. Now, I have not been diagnosed clinically with all these things, but in an effort to be as self aware as possible, I think my brain demonstrates a bit of a propensity to lean toward just being an overall fu*ked up dude. I, of course, have a history of doing things compulsively. I am a bit over-the-top. Right now, I seem to be battling a clash of the titans. I have made exercise such a priority, that the only thing close to that is …..EATING. I eat so much food that it is incredible.
I am like the diesel version of Kobayashi. He has got the market cornered on speed, but a demonstration of endurance would be a sad day for the talented Takeru. In a week long competition that involved a recliner, naps, Taco Bell, and reruns of “East Bound and Down” or “The Simpsons”, I would eat him outta town. I can do to a Pizza Hut buffet what endurance athletes can do to a 50 mile trail; persist, persevere, and overcome. It is unbelievable. I remember when I was about seven years old, and I asked my dad and my brother how many McDonald’s cheeseburgers they thought they could eat. They each said around five or six. My response? Thirty. Thirty fu*kin cheeseburgers! When they made fun of my answer, and told me I could not do it, I argued until I cried. I try and try to control it, but I continue to falter. Being that I generally believe what my fu*ked up brain is telling me, I honestly feel that I am starving to death three times a day, and beginning a new diet at the end of every huge meal. I am a drama extremist. My friend Christy Anewalt, who is one of the more intelligent, successful and extremely funny people that I know, shares an equally fu*ked up noodle. She summed me up best when she said:
“I don’t get hungry…I BELIEVE I AM STARVING TO DEATH.
I don’t get a little thirsty….I AM DYING OF THIRST.
I don’t have things to do….I HAVE A LIST A MILE LONG THAT I WILL NEVER GET DONE.
My life doesn’t present obstacles….MY WHOLE WORLD FALLS APART”
It is so gosh damn frustrating, to be getting in the best shape of my life, only to continuously self sabotage. I have been doing Crossfit 4 times a week and running 3. Twice a week I CF and run on the same day, so that I can have rest days. I also get at least one bike ride, but it is not very intense. According to my Vivofit and heart rate monitor, I am burning between 4,000-6,000 calories a day, and stuffing my piehole with sh*t meals, methodically sprinkled throughout the week, just enough to make sure no real progress is made in the weight category. I eat a lot of clean food. I do most of my shopping at Whole Foods, and Fresh Market, and I pre-order my meals from Bedrock, Eats, and Sweets, which are all Paleo friendly. All this to undoubtedly, get the uncontrollable urge to go get a fu*k ton of gas station pizza and ice cream, or stuff myself at some sh*thole of a fast food joint, only to regroup and begin again. It is not that I don’t know what to do. It is that “knowing” and “doing” are two entirely different things. I am not disciplined enough to put in the work to push away from the table. My coaches and friends are all very supportive. They even provide me with suggestions on different ways to combat my appetite, or structure my exercise. With these suggestions, I am generally consistent with my response, when I politely invite them to go and fu*k themselves. My bad attitude and defiant demeanor are not helping things, but I am not seeing many signs of that changing, so kiss my a*s.
Part of my problem is that I start thinking that I know so gosh damn much. I start telling myself where I think I should be. I do not focus on how far I have come, so I throw my hands up in surrender, and punish myself with food. I do not “trust the process” the way that I know that I should. The last two Sunday’s my running has been time trials. One was a 6 mile run and the other was a 5K. On neither one could I run more than a half mile without my calves feeling like they were about to catch on fire. Some of the suggestions, which I casually blew off, were to rest, rehydrate, and eat better. My first thoughts? BULLS*IT! Its either the shoes, or this stuff just aint working for me. It can’t be the $14 worth of Taco Bell that I ate early in the week, or the comparable amount of Krystal and chili cheese fries that I ate a couple days later! It is my hopeless body, and bad running shoes are the problem. The coach and the other four established runners, who have been doing this for years, they don’t know sh*t.…at least not as much as the lunky, beefy fellow, who is still waddling from his initial chafe, 10 months ago.
If I am going to take a positive spin on this, (which I am going to, but I am not going to like it) I have to look back on my life and see that I have never, I mean absolutely never, changed anything about myself until the pain and discomfort of staying the same, outweighed the pain and discomfort of making a change. One thing I know about myself is that I want to put in as little work as possible, in order to produce the biggest results. This is generally referred to as laziness, which is an untreatable disease from which I suffer. However, I am starting to see that some things worth doing are going to require a little persistence, time, and patience, which coincidentally are all things that make my skin crawl. All this being said, I am far from out of this fight. I do not have any idea how many binge eating adventures will be ahead of me, but with all the support that I have from my friends, coaches, and God (cause that dude loves me), Beefcake’s day is gonna come. I’m going to continue to wake up with some fight, even if I lose by mid breakfast.
Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,