“Don’t Let A Bad Day Convince You That You Have A Bad Life”–Unknown

Today I feel tired. I feel pretty blah, and pretty run down. I don’t feel depressed or unhappy, but I don’t have that spark. I want the spark, but I just don’t have it. Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about it because my mojo will come back. I’m not going to feel this way forever. There are actions I can take to increase or decrease the time it takes for me to feel more energetic, but largely time is the main contributor. I ran a long race this weekend. I usually feel pretty dragass after long races because they take such a toll on my body and mind. I get so emotional and wrapped up in the highs and lows that I think my body and brain just need more time to replenish the happy juices. I love therapy, the mental kind. I have visited numerous therapists over the course of my life, and if I had my way, I would talk to one daily. My favorite therapist is named Malissa. We have really been through some sh*t together, but have also shared a lot of laughs. She understands my kind of crazy and has a way of recognizing when I am being realistic and when I am talking trash. I have not seen her in quite some time but one of the things that we used to laugh about was right at the beginning of every session. Malissa would begin the session with asking me, “how was your week?” Well, without fail, every time I was asked this question my answer was ALWAYS based upon the last 60 minutes of my life. My week leading up to therapy could have been PERFECT, but one hour prior to therapy if I get a bill in the mailbox, stub my toe, or get cut-off in traffic then my entire life is a disaster. Not only would I pine on and on about how bad my life was, I would also convince myself that I was aALWAYS gonna feel this way. When I feel good, I feel unstoppable and on top of the world. However, I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall, because life can’t stay good forever. I don’t deserve happiness, I assume is my belief. When I feel bad, I feel that I am always going to feel bad, and that my life has always been this way. Any good that I have ever experienced has been fleeting and a fluke, and there really is no point in trying to be happy.

I still have a tendency to feel sorry for myself. I will sometimes take a good week, combine it with a sh*tty 60minutes, and convince myself that I do not live a worthwhile existence. For the most part, with a little help from my friends and proper self-inventory, I am willing to wait it out. I will wait for my head to catch up to my heart until I feel good again. It’s ok to feel run down and out of energy, but I need to be aware of the feelings that run tandem with fatigue. When I feel like this, it is easier for me to get my feelings hurt, get sad about dumb stuff, and think that people are out to get me. I don’t want to take risks, and I don’t care to contribute. I just want to hide and be left alone. The gym is a chore and my patience is minimum. I might as well eat like crap because what’s the point. It is such a gift to be able to sort through the bullsh*t and be fully aware that all of these feelings are associated with fatigue. My condition is not life threatening and it certainly is not permanent. The medicinal cure for what ails me are two-fold, time and rest. Fu*k!! Time? I hate that word. I want to feel better NOW, and I want to feel good forever. I want to feel as good as good can be, and I never wanna come down. On top of feeling good, I also want to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it, and while we are at it, I want to eat whatever I want as well. So, basically I want to play and not work, have boundless energy but not require sleep, and be perfectly healthy with no focus on health. If it sounds childish and unrealistic, it’s because I am childish and unrealistic.

I am not doing this today though, not this time. I’ve decided to embrace the fatigue, be aware of the negativity associated with it, and use to look forward to what is coming in the future. I LOVE having energy. Lots and lots of it. I guess everyone does, but man, I love feeling good. I love going to bed at night, because I love waking up with the energy that comes with morning time. You can only imagine what Amanda has to deal with on a daily basis. Hell, I can only imagine what Amanda has to deal with on a daily basis, because I don’t what I look like through her eyes. Last week I told her as we were going to sleep that I was afraid I would not be able to fall asleep. She said, “why can’t you sleep?”, and I said “I’m just so excited about waking up in the morning that I can’t fall asleep.” I’m pretty sure she puked, most people would. So it goes to show my level of selfishness that someone who feels this good MOST of the time, would get so impatient and frustrated every time that they run themselves too far outta gas. I just want to get the most out of life, but I have to remember that life is life. If I suck everything out in one day, then there won’t be any more of it left. I’m going to enjoy my sluggish day. I’m going to stay somewhere in the median of the bell curve and not lose too much ground. I will just exist, and be grateful for my existence….but watch out my peeps, an 8 hour sleep starts between 8:30-9pm tonight. God willing and the creek don’t rise, I will be charged up for another 24 hours tomorrow. Hopefully I will keep Joe Joe the Circus Idiot under control as much as possible, but sometimes I forget that he is inside of me.

Peace, Love, and all things Beef related,

Beefcake